Either that, or this terrible impatience and frustration and I kinda have to admit, pure anger pouring out of me is the premonition of a flare. But I have to say all I do is look around at the wreckage that is my life and get really pissed off. The dust bunnies are having babies, getting my carpet cleaned has only made it dirtier, not that I ever vacuum. The laundry needs to be done, dishwasher emptied and re-loaded, dogs need a bath and I need blonde roots on my head and the dirt cleaned out from under my fingernails. And don’t get me started on the condition of the bottom of my feet! My bills need to be paid and taxes prepped. Let’s not even mention The Crusade, the new website, our next strategy to push our fight for awareness forward. People in general annoy me. I am so sick of advice! I know what I need to do, I am just not doing it. I think all it does is make the advice-giver feel good, useful, needed. I try to be nice but inside I am impatient and seething. It is all I can do to not snap or even yell. It is not my job to make you feel good about yourself! But these are just people that are trying to help me! And physically I feel great! Lilac pain, walked my doggies, did my yoga. I am trying so hard to remind myself that the aftermath of my strokes last summer could have been so much worse, but that does little to comfort me or sooth the raging monster inside.
I am so sick and tired of EVERYTHING being a struggle! I recall fondly, all reality aside, a carefree youth of playfulness and passion. Of not worrying about tomorrow or caring much about today except for finding the fun. The next thing to do. Of hanging out, no plans or destination in mind. Just being. Of keeping my front door unlocked and yelling Come in to every knock, knowing it is another friend coming to play, have some fun. Now I get annoyed if someone calls and wants to spontaneously come over. They upset my order, my balance of what I thought my day would be, and just suck from me the energy I need to meet my basic obligations. I am an empty well with nothing to give, and it is beginning to infuriate me! I want to learn Spanish, look fabulous, take Salsa lessons with my husband. I want friends to play with, I want my social life back! I want to go on vacation! I don’t want every ping and pang I feel to send me into a PTSD tailspin of fear that something else is going to happen to me. Fibromyalgia is going to overtake me again. Pancreatitis is going to strike. When I get a headache I don’t just get a headache, I get a fat dose of paranoia that I am going to stroke again and I constantly live on the verge of fear that I am going to die. For there are NO guarantees in life and I have felt this first hand too many times.
So all of that being said…it is up to me to fix this. When there is a problem in life you can either change the problem or change your attitude about the problem. So many of my problems are not in my control. So the attitude needs adjusting. That is in my control. I can channel this force of frustration into productivity and start fixing these little nuisances in life that are overtaking my happiness, gratitude, grace and generosity. I can take a deep breath and stop expecting Superwoman to come back. I just don’t think she ever will. I can be kind to myself and take joy in cleaning my home bits at a time, as my body will allow, making it beautiful for my family. I can revel in bath time with the puppies, for they will not be here forever. I can be grateful that even though it is by the skin of our teeth, the bills do get paid eventually. I can live a life of intention and purpose, not chaos as though every event has swept me out to sea. I can put my faith in front of my fear and persevere. And as my favorite lyricist Eminem says in his anthem of opportunity, Success is my only option, failure is not…feet fail me not cuz maybe the only opportunity that I got.
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